I went online today and searched for my ex husband (I often search for old friends to see how they are getting on and whether they are still among us), his full name is unusual having his mother´s Scottish maiden name as his second Christian name. The first on the list was his obituary, I discovered he died in December 2010.

After all these years, a lifetime it seems, there must still be some feeling left. I was upset and cried.

I cannot believe that he died so young, well 67 is young these days, isn´t it. Somehow, while he was in the world, everything seemed to go along just fine. Now I know he isn´t there any longer, it is like … final closure, like I didn´t really want to let go. My feelings confuse me.

I was the one who walked out on the relationship. The one who divorced my partner. The one who said I didn´t love, or like, him any more.

Memories of happier times are flowing through my mind, a time when I loved being with him – before marriage. I did not expect this reaction and I admit to not understanding it. Confused? Absolutely. Why do I feel like this now, why now?